I just want to be somewhere else

Or maybe be someone else--I feel anxious and crabby, like I want to shed my skin. I wish I could cry--I tried, it's not happening.
I had a lovely afternoon with a newish friend (all of them here are newish, she's just newer-ish)(that made me giggle--yay). Anyway, we talked about a situation that is causing her major angst, and then talked about my situation w/ the ex that is causing me the same. She is a wise woman, and had some interesting things to say. She wondered how I could decide if there is any change in him or any possibility for something different aside from entering in to some amount of relationship with him.
Yeah--okay. So I emailed both addresses i have for him, asking which is current. And then proceeded to have a panic attack which has lasted for a few hours. Maybe I am just not able to deal with him and all the other crap school is dredging up right now.
I read something from another blog (I read several regularly--I lovenosing about in other people's lives) that resonated: I don't believe in second chances. I believe in one chance that stretches for a lifetime. There is no do-over. There is no clean slate. There is only learning, forgiveness, and time.
That's where I am some of the time--other times, I'm here:
So the only thing left is the bed and how empty it seems. Perhaps you aren't sleeping well because of this.
But yesterday you found the solution. Last night you curled up with a pillow under your head, one between your knees (bad back), and one on either side of you. No matter which way you turned, there was something to cuddle and support you.
And if he can be replaced with synthetic fill and linens, how lonely can you really be now compared to how lonely you were with him?
both quotes from Unable to Relinquish the Crown