Nothing much

I do mean that. I am just stuck in a no-feeling zone. I'm not happy, not sad--although I feel possible sorrow beneath the surface. Why do I fight feeling? I'm sure my energies could be put to better use.
Changed my phone number today, so my ex can't call me. That felt empowering, which led into feeling bitchy, which led to righteous anger to keep myself from feeling like a bitch! He is, he did, he always--but he is not the point of my life. This is a shitty process, and that's all there is to it.
I got tosee a friend receive a beautiful gift of praise from someone last night, and while I was happy for her (I was!), I drove home in tears because I want so much...I rarely admit even to myself just how much. Seeing her heart & her desire displayed so openly and then to witness a tiny bit of fulfillment of it made me ache.
So what will I do this evening with how I am (not) feeling? Go to church, see friends, maybe cry and pour out my heart in worshippingOne muchlarger than I? Or go to Walmart and lose myself in the variety of stuff available for my consumption? What do you think?