It's about ME!

I was inspired by reading plaidrhapsody's list of 101 things she knows to be true about herself (I would link to it, but I don't know how), so I want to do one (it is a great way to avoid studying for my finals which are next week).1. I procrastinate2. I am almost always a few minutes late3. I worry about being late4. I usually drive too fast, but I enjoy it (even though I have gotten 3 speeding tickets)5. I am impatient6. I usually don't show that I am feeling impatient7. I love to sing in the car8. I can make myself cry by singing made-up songs9. I love going to the movies much more than watching at home10. I hate people who talk at movies11. I sometimes talk at movies--softly12. I eat for many reasons other than hunger13. I have always wished I was thinner, but I pretty much like myself now14. I hate dieting15. I finally enjoy exercise16. I'm not sure if I want kids17. I enjoy babies18. Older kids scare me, but they make me laugh as well19. I love cats, but am allergic20. I don't wish I had a pet (maybe a little bird to sing to me)21. I had a cat as a teenager; I liked to sing the "I love you" part of Silly Love Song to her.22. I had double pneumonia twice as a child23. I have had surgery 4 times; that seems like a lot, but I feel very healthy24. I have now lived alone for over 2 1/2 years; before that, the longest I'd ever lived alone was about 4 months25. My skin still breaks out26. I will be 40 in May 2005; I feel younger27. I have been a Christian since I was 1528. I got married at 21 and divorced at 3629. I swore I would never get divorced; so did he.30. My mom was divorced 3 times31. I love sunlight--it makes me happy32. I don't like being hot or cold33. I often burn myself while cooking34. I have been in at least 3 physical fights; one was with a boy, and when he punched me in the face, I walked away because it really hurt35. I often got in trouble for talking in school36. I am remarkably politically uninformed37. I have only voted once--for Clinton, the first time38. I like baths much more than showers39. I didn't shave in college--I liked it40. I am a little scared to swim in the ocean; lakes are best41. I HATE spiders 42. I am not the best employee43. I shoplifted constantly for about a year as a teenager44. I got caught, almost went to court--I have never stolen since45. I failed my first class in 8th grade46. I had to repeat 11th grade because I dropped out with my boyfriend47. I didn't start college until I was almost 2348. I didn't make below a B in college (this is noteworthy only b/c I almost failed high school--I started college on academic probation b/c they were sure I wouldn't make it)49. I am very nearsighted50. I have never broken a bone51. I have really small fingernails that curve up52. I form keloid scars53. I hate wine, but like (some) beers54. I haven't been drunk in over 15 years55. I got married after knowing him for 8 months56. I miss the smell of a man57. I have had at least 25 jobs--the longest was 4 years58. I have never had a professional job59. I'm scared of heights60. I had panic attacks for 2 1/2 years--I was on meds for 1 yr. I still sometimes have little ones61. My friend named her baby after me :)62. I think I want to get a tattoo when I graduate63. I used to have the 80's 3 holes in each ear64. I love dark chocolate--I used to eat it every day, but I am trying not to eat sugar65. I love reading almost anything66. I like rabbits, and used to have one named Sebastian Coe (after an English runner)67. I broke my front tooth twice in the same place when I was 10, so I have a partially fake tooth68. I am shy but hide it well one-on-one69. I am quiet in groups unless I know everyone70. I do well on tests and interviews71. I have been told I am brutally honest72. I can be quietly bitchy 73. I like smells--cinnamon, babies' heads, oranges, grass, gasoline, dirt, the individual smells of my friends74. I don't like talking on the phone75. I love the internet76. I have always spent lots of time alone77. I have always daydreamed78. I love backrubs, hair petting, touch of any kind79. I am a cautious toucher of others 80. As much as I like touch, it can be uncomfortable if it is from someone I don't know well81. I am very ticklish & don't like the sensation82. I make little "ummm" noises when I like what I'm eating83. I love weird vegetables--esp. brussels sprouts, collard greens with pepper vinegar, and artichokes84. I make myself laugh, but don't know if I'm funny to others85. I like going new places86. I have tried to learn to waterski several times, but can't get up87. I don't have a TV (well, I do, but it has been broken for 4 years--I use it for the VCR)88. I listened to almost only Christian music for all of the 90's89. I wouldn't recognize a Nirvana song90. I feel musically illiterate b/c I can't really describe what I like91. I have loved U2 for over 20 years92. I had a ticket to see them in 1983, but decided God didn't want me to go93. My first concert was Heart94. My second concert was Van Halen95. I would like to have seen the Cars--I had a crush on Ric Ocasek96. I was a thespian in high school97. I was on the swim team, but I was horribly slow98. I love gardens and parks99. My favorite color is periwinkle--I had a periwinkle couch & periwinkle kitchen counter in my house100. I have lived in 7 states and had around 35 different homes101. I talk to myself constantly

I want to be 3

What a gorgeous day--I will make this short so I can go take a walk.
Do you ever just feel like lying on the floor and rolling around and screaming, but you aren't entirely sure why, and the feeling isn't either good or bad, but both? What is that feeling? Someone in a class described feeling like there are so many choices, yet he hates having so many choices. I wanted to yell and thrash at hearing that, so maybe the descriptor I'm searching for is "ambivalence"--that overused Mars Hill word that I swear I will have tattooed on myself before this is over...I have soooo much emotion roiling around in me, and I love and hate that. So can I just have a little tantrum and release some of it?
Actually, I did have an intense cry last night; it was somewhat of a relief after a week or more of feeling numb. Class was hard for me--Dan talked about parenting styles, and when he described "the sociopathic home", tears started dripping on my shirt. He nailed it. Yuck. But the sweet part was, I stopped him after class to ask him about something he wrote on my paper, and he was very kind. I have been sort of afraid of/pissy about him all year, so to actually see him as a fellow human was good. Things are stirring in me; I am thankful, scared, angry--ambivalent.

Feeling better (Walmart did not win)

I had an evening of Wo-Pop (always puts me in a good mood) and journaling--this is part of an entry from a blog I like, and it was what I needed to be reminded of:
I had a pretty nasty, pretty typical drug addiction in my twenties. I was constantly looking backwards, constantly mourning losses I couldn't name. As a result, my journal entries have a stale air of repetition. Each speaks to change, to transition, that I hoped I would make, that I hoped would happen to me, if only for some grand, sweeping, bold catalyst. I was always looking for something bigger, more fulfilling. I was always seeking something more.
I walk to work. Most mornings I grab a cup of coffee on the corner of 46th and Ninth Avenue, then turn east towards Eighth. And most mornings, that small, tree-lined stretch of 46th between Eighth and Ninth is beautiful in some small way: the sun through the leaves, the empty playground, pigeons scattering as I pass.
This morning was no different, except in one little way. I realized that I was there. I realized that this is it. I realized that change occurs in a million tiny increments. I realized that transition occurs one footfall at a time, one step before the next. Before you know it, you're there. Before you know it, each little step has moved you forward to some new, great place. Before you know it, you've persevered.from Benjaminwagner.com
Good words.
Listening to dance music always makes me wish I could, you know, dance. One of the bloggers I read (I know, I read a lot of them) (and see, I know to write "a lot") likes to bellydance--she lives locally, so I wrote her & asked about where she takes classes. Tonight I thought again about doing that--I want to get in touch with my inner sex-goddess. I want to allure and flirt and all that fun stuff--bellydancing sounds like a pretty cool place to start. Anyone want to do it with me?

Nothing much

I do mean that. I am just stuck in a no-feeling zone. I'm not happy, not sad--although I feel possible sorrow beneath the surface. Why do I fight feeling? I'm sure my energies could be put to better use.
Changed my phone number today, so my ex can't call me. That felt empowering, which led into feeling bitchy, which led to righteous anger to keep myself from feeling like a bitch! He is, he did, he always--but he is not the point of my life. This is a shitty process, and that's all there is to it.
I got tosee a friend receive a beautiful gift of praise from someone last night, and while I was happy for her (I was!), I drove home in tears because I want so much...I rarely admit even to myself just how much. Seeing her heart & her desire displayed so openly and then to witness a tiny bit of fulfillment of it made me ache.
So what will I do this evening with how I am (not) feeling? Go to church, see friends, maybe cry and pour out my heart in worshippingOne muchlarger than I? Or go to Walmart and lose myself in the variety of stuff available for my consumption? What do you think?

Now THIS is customer service!

From: CD Baby loves Hanna Subject: Hanna - Your CD Baby Order! (#471550) Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow. A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing. Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy. We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved 'Bon Voyage!' to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, Monday, April 5th. I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as 'Customer of the Year'. We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!! Thank you once again, Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby the little CD store with the best new independent music

I guess I AM crabby

I want my mood logo icon to just sit still and not bounce--do they all bounce like that?!

I just want to be somewhere else

Or maybe be someone else--I feel anxious and crabby, like I want to shed my skin. I wish I could cry--I tried, it's not happening.
I had a lovely afternoon with a newish friend (all of them here are newish, she's just newer-ish)(that made me giggle--yay). Anyway, we talked about a situation that is causing her major angst, and then talked about my situation w/ the ex that is causing me the same. She is a wise woman, and had some interesting things to say. She wondered how I could decide if there is any change in him or any possibility for something different aside from entering in to some amount of relationship with him.
Yeah--okay. So I emailed both addresses i have for him, asking which is current. And then proceeded to have a panic attack which has lasted for a few hours. Maybe I am just not able to deal with him and all the other crap school is dredging up right now.
I read something from another blog (I read several regularly--I lovenosing about in other people's lives) that resonated: I don't believe in second chances. I believe in one chance that stretches for a lifetime. There is no do-over. There is no clean slate. There is only learning, forgiveness, and time.
That's where I am some of the time--other times, I'm here:
So the only thing left is the bed and how empty it seems. Perhaps you aren't sleeping well because of this.
But yesterday you found the solution. Last night you curled up with a pillow under your head, one between your knees (bad back), and one on either side of you. No matter which way you turned, there was something to cuddle and support you.
And if he can be replaced with synthetic fill and linens, how lonely can you really be now compared to how lonely you were with him?
both quotes from Unable to Relinquish the Crown

How nice!

Thanks for the welcome from several people whose journals I have been lurking over for a while; all of us in the Sharmyweb. Not a bad place to be.
This is the funnest song! Fatboy Slim--Weapon of Choice. That doesn't sound like a fun song, does it? I have no idea what they are saying--I just like the beat. It's probably some horrible, misogynistic thing that would make me cringe if I knew what was being said--oh, well, tra la la. I like to dance in my seat--do you do that?
Not a lot of deep thought going on, can you tell? Wednesdays are my long day--long for a person who hasn't worked full-time in 6 months, that is. 2-9:45 p.m. Not that long, I guess. Anyway--a pretty good day, except I was spaced out in class. Yes, for those who don't know, I am a Mars Hillian. "Do you like it there?" "I love it, I hate it--I am trying to inhabit the shadow-zone that encompasses faith and ambivalence"--hee. That sounds so dumb written out, but it was part of what class tonight was about. We read The Hollow Men by TS Eliot to illustrate substance abuse--ya gotta love that.
I ate yummy Thai beef for lunch; I do love good food. Oh, those brownies from yesterday? They aren't gone yet--but I made a significant dent in them. Eating is such a reliable pleasure, you know? Unlike so much else in life. Okay, time for bed. Tomorrow I am going to enjoy a day out--not sure where, we'll see. On the way home tonight, I was thinking how I should take a road trip this summer. I am from Florida, and while I have lived out West before, there is a lot I have yet to see. So--where should I go? I've never been to Vegas--but I think Reno is close enough. I love San Francisco & Portland--where else is fun?