Risk can bring great reward

Before I called my friend this morning, I was feeling peevish and lonely--I wanted her to call me. I knew my other friends here were not available today, so if I was going to be with someone, it would be her. A friend from home emailed me, and I told her how I was feeling. She replied, "Call her! It doesn't matter who initiates it--just go have fun".
Later I toldmy friendhow I'd felt (as part of a discussion about another friend who just waits for things to happen), andshe felt bad, but I told her no--that's what a victim does. Sits around waiting for people to come to her, and then moans about it when no one does. We talked about how scary it is to put yourself out there and risk and ask for something--but you know, when you do, sometimes wonderful things happen--like today. After I got home tonight, I let all the love I had received from my friends just sink in. I felt so thankful to God, and sorry that I so often believe the lie that I am all alone. I am not alone--God has given me lovely friends. I hope I remember this the next time I am feeling scared to reach out, and that I'll do it anyway, trusting that I will come away filled.

feeling so thankful...

I had such a nice birthday! I got ecards & snailmail cards & calls from family & friends near and far, "Happy Birthday" singing messages, some great presents, and today, Sharmayne took me to the zoo, dinner, and a movie--it was a wonderful day. I look back over this year and am amazed--on this day one year ago, I flew to Seattle to look into going to Mars Hill. By September 1, when I flew out here again to stay, I had quit my job, gotten my house extensively remodeled & put on the market (it sold in about 2 weeks), sold my car, packed up all my stuff, and said goodbye to all my family & friends. The only person I knew here was a girl from high school--we were not really friends, but she let me stay with her after I got here until I found an apt. Someone told me about Edmonds, so I drove my rental car over there and found an apt. within 2 days, got my stuff moved in, ended up buying my rental car (so I never had to go looking), and started school. Whew! Pretty incredible how quickly your life can change.I'm so glad to be who & where I am--I want so much more, but for right now, in this moment, I am blessed.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

I am nursing a sore throat, and let me tell you what is so yum right now--Dreyer's Light Extra Rich & Creamy Chocolate. So far today, I have had 2 ice cream sodas AND a tin roof sundae. I know some of you will wonder what that is--it's a sundae with peanuts on it, except I think it's supposed to be with vanilla i.c., which I don't like as well. So much for going sugar-free--I did it for 2 or 3 weeks, and it was not too hard, but as soon I feel a bit sick, I want comfort! I am about to read a book called Holy Hunger, about compulsive overeating--perfect reading for a day with 3 helpings of ice cream, right?
I went to visit my sick young friend today--she was much perkier, and we had a nice time. We like to watch a show called Starting Over--apparently she watches it every day, but as I have no TV, I have only seen it the 2 times I've been to her house. It gives us something to talk about as we are getting to know one another. Afterward, I stopped by Fred Meyer (to get my ice cream!), and the cashier asked, "So what did you do today?" I don't think I've ever been asked that by a store clerk. I looked at her for a minute, then said, "I visited a sick friend". She talked about her dad having been in the hospital, and for some reason, I said, "Thisgirlis dying". Her head jerked up, and she said, "Does she know the Lord?" That's a question I might not be surprised to hear in the Bible Belt, where I'm from, but I was a little surprised to have it asked here. I told her I didn't know, and she said she'd pray that God would reveal Himself to her. As will I.
I am currently reading Soul Survivor: How My Faith Survived the Church, by Philip Yancey. It's a series of essays on people who have been important to his life of faith; so far, I have read about MLK and G.K. Chesterton--it is interesting. I want to think about who I would say has influenced my Christian life. Dan Allender, for sure--his writing is why I'm at Mars Hill. C.S. Lewis, Frederick Buechner, Mother Teresa, my friend Darlene; I have so much reading to do! There are tons of people I have never read--when this young friend found out I don't watch TV, she asked, "What do you do all day?" One thing I want to do more of is read engaging books that help me live this journey more gracefully and fully.

There's no place like home, there's no place like home...

Kind of weird, this feels like home now. I went to Florida for my sister's graduation, just got back last night, and I felt like a stranger in a strange land there. After only 8 months here! I was hot the entire time (and it's only May), and I missed the mountains. I took a couple of walks, one at 8 p.m. and another at 8 a.m.--hot both times. I did enjoy people I passed saying hello--no one does that here. I got to see a gorgeous sunset, the sun a red ball of fire over the beach, and I loved being able to wear shorts all the time, feeling the warm breeze caressing my pasty white legs; but when I got home last night, and I could smell Puget Sound and the air was crisp and clean--ahhh. We'll see if this becomes my longterm home--who knows. I got a book for my bday, and the author was raised in Atlanta. He talked about some of the racist underpinnings of the South, and although I knew some of it, some things surprised me. I imagine every region has some type of sin that becomes part of that culture--but Southern racism is so longterm and deep, I wonder if it will ever be free of it. I'm glad I'm here.

read it, people.

I just finished reading such a good book--Night of the Radishes, referring toa festivalin Oaxaca, Mexico. It made me want to go there; I've only been just over the border to Mexico (from Arizona), never actually been anywhere there.
The story was of a woman who has suffered lots of grief with her family of origin, and locked it all inside. She has tried to be the perfect daughter, sister, wife, and mother, and doesn't realize how angry she is at her family members for all leaving her in various ways to carry the load alone. She goes to Mexico to try and find her long-lost brother, and undergoes a transformation.
As the review on the back cover asks, "If you were to let the accumulated grief and guilt of a lifetime slip gently away, who might you be?" What a great question--I would like to find out.

Hermitical

I am realizing something about myself; I really do like being alone. I enjoy people when I'm with them, but after a few days of socializing, I am so happy to spend a night like tonight--I did a little grocery shopping, got a movie, and came home to make a good dinner & lie in bed watching the movie. I think there is good to this, and some not-so-good. The nsg is I can envision myself turning into an inflexible, somewhat compulsive old spinster, who has her little "routines" that human contact would upset. Scary vision. But the good is, this program I am in demands lots of time to process all the emotional data, and I am taking that time. I was talking with a friend today, and she mentioned how she often feels like just going home and thinking about her problems, instead of really caring about other people's. She's in the program as well, and I said I think we have to take this time to focus on ourselves, or we will do more damage than good when we start trying to actually help people. Also, I guess I am an introvert--the definition of introvert is something like, "you are energized by being alone--being with people can drain you". All my life, that has seemed like a bad thing, that I should want to be with people a lot more. It sounds selfish to enjoy my own company--but why, if that's what it takes for me to be able to then enjoy the company of others? I know from experience, if I try to go too many days with lots of people activity and no alone time, I get tense & irritable. A friend from my home city is coming to visit this summer, and she is going to be staying with me. I sent her an email saying 5 days sounded like a good amount of time for her visit--in the past, i would not have taken care of myself by saying that, and I would have been ready for a vacation by the time she left! 5 days still may be a stretch in my small apartment--but at least I've put on the table the fact that I need alone time. So--selfish, or who I am and that's okay? I am trying to say, "that's me".

for people who don't know what they are

http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html

I am woman...

I am rereading my classnotes for the Marriage & Family final tomorrow, and something stuck out that didn't the first time I heard it. Dan is talking about the gender differences, and how men are more black & white, "this is right, this is wrong". He also talked about how the teaching of the church has been male-oriented; I realized I have been taught that "right and wrong" thinking my entire Christian life. The thing is, I could always see both sides of an issue or a person's story--I just figured I had weak character, that I was rationalizing ("telling rational lies"). Dan says women are much more inclusive in their thinking, tend toward mystery instead of definitive truth--all along, my "problem" has been I am a woman! (sorry about the changing tenses here--maybe that fits in somehow to my womanliness).

I need my recommended daily allowance...

http://www.cuddleparty.com/

It's about ME!

I was inspired by reading plaidrhapsody's list of 101 things she knows to be true about herself (I would link to it, but I don't know how), so I want to do one (it is a great way to avoid studying for my finals which are next week).1. I procrastinate2. I am almost always a few minutes late3. I worry about being late4. I usually drive too fast, but I enjoy it (even though I have gotten 3 speeding tickets)5. I am impatient6. I usually don't show that I am feeling impatient7. I love to sing in the car8. I can make myself cry by singing made-up songs9. I love going to the movies much more than watching at home10. I hate people who talk at movies11. I sometimes talk at movies--softly12. I eat for many reasons other than hunger13. I have always wished I was thinner, but I pretty much like myself now14. I hate dieting15. I finally enjoy exercise16. I'm not sure if I want kids17. I enjoy babies18. Older kids scare me, but they make me laugh as well19. I love cats, but am allergic20. I don't wish I had a pet (maybe a little bird to sing to me)21. I had a cat as a teenager; I liked to sing the "I love you" part of Silly Love Song to her.22. I had double pneumonia twice as a child23. I have had surgery 4 times; that seems like a lot, but I feel very healthy24. I have now lived alone for over 2 1/2 years; before that, the longest I'd ever lived alone was about 4 months25. My skin still breaks out26. I will be 40 in May 2005; I feel younger27. I have been a Christian since I was 1528. I got married at 21 and divorced at 3629. I swore I would never get divorced; so did he.30. My mom was divorced 3 times31. I love sunlight--it makes me happy32. I don't like being hot or cold33. I often burn myself while cooking34. I have been in at least 3 physical fights; one was with a boy, and when he punched me in the face, I walked away because it really hurt35. I often got in trouble for talking in school36. I am remarkably politically uninformed37. I have only voted once--for Clinton, the first time38. I like baths much more than showers39. I didn't shave in college--I liked it40. I am a little scared to swim in the ocean; lakes are best41. I HATE spiders 42. I am not the best employee43. I shoplifted constantly for about a year as a teenager44. I got caught, almost went to court--I have never stolen since45. I failed my first class in 8th grade46. I had to repeat 11th grade because I dropped out with my boyfriend47. I didn't start college until I was almost 2348. I didn't make below a B in college (this is noteworthy only b/c I almost failed high school--I started college on academic probation b/c they were sure I wouldn't make it)49. I am very nearsighted50. I have never broken a bone51. I have really small fingernails that curve up52. I form keloid scars53. I hate wine, but like (some) beers54. I haven't been drunk in over 15 years55. I got married after knowing him for 8 months56. I miss the smell of a man57. I have had at least 25 jobs--the longest was 4 years58. I have never had a professional job59. I'm scared of heights60. I had panic attacks for 2 1/2 years--I was on meds for 1 yr. I still sometimes have little ones61. My friend named her baby after me :)62. I think I want to get a tattoo when I graduate63. I used to have the 80's 3 holes in each ear64. I love dark chocolate--I used to eat it every day, but I am trying not to eat sugar65. I love reading almost anything66. I like rabbits, and used to have one named Sebastian Coe (after an English runner)67. I broke my front tooth twice in the same place when I was 10, so I have a partially fake tooth68. I am shy but hide it well one-on-one69. I am quiet in groups unless I know everyone70. I do well on tests and interviews71. I have been told I am brutally honest72. I can be quietly bitchy 73. I like smells--cinnamon, babies' heads, oranges, grass, gasoline, dirt, the individual smells of my friends74. I don't like talking on the phone75. I love the internet76. I have always spent lots of time alone77. I have always daydreamed78. I love backrubs, hair petting, touch of any kind79. I am a cautious toucher of others 80. As much as I like touch, it can be uncomfortable if it is from someone I don't know well81. I am very ticklish & don't like the sensation82. I make little "ummm" noises when I like what I'm eating83. I love weird vegetables--esp. brussels sprouts, collard greens with pepper vinegar, and artichokes84. I make myself laugh, but don't know if I'm funny to others85. I like going new places86. I have tried to learn to waterski several times, but can't get up87. I don't have a TV (well, I do, but it has been broken for 4 years--I use it for the VCR)88. I listened to almost only Christian music for all of the 90's89. I wouldn't recognize a Nirvana song90. I feel musically illiterate b/c I can't really describe what I like91. I have loved U2 for over 20 years92. I had a ticket to see them in 1983, but decided God didn't want me to go93. My first concert was Heart94. My second concert was Van Halen95. I would like to have seen the Cars--I had a crush on Ric Ocasek96. I was a thespian in high school97. I was on the swim team, but I was horribly slow98. I love gardens and parks99. My favorite color is periwinkle--I had a periwinkle couch & periwinkle kitchen counter in my house100. I have lived in 7 states and had around 35 different homes101. I talk to myself constantly

I want to be 3

What a gorgeous day--I will make this short so I can go take a walk.
Do you ever just feel like lying on the floor and rolling around and screaming, but you aren't entirely sure why, and the feeling isn't either good or bad, but both? What is that feeling? Someone in a class described feeling like there are so many choices, yet he hates having so many choices. I wanted to yell and thrash at hearing that, so maybe the descriptor I'm searching for is "ambivalence"--that overused Mars Hill word that I swear I will have tattooed on myself before this is over...I have soooo much emotion roiling around in me, and I love and hate that. So can I just have a little tantrum and release some of it?
Actually, I did have an intense cry last night; it was somewhat of a relief after a week or more of feeling numb. Class was hard for me--Dan talked about parenting styles, and when he described "the sociopathic home", tears started dripping on my shirt. He nailed it. Yuck. But the sweet part was, I stopped him after class to ask him about something he wrote on my paper, and he was very kind. I have been sort of afraid of/pissy about him all year, so to actually see him as a fellow human was good. Things are stirring in me; I am thankful, scared, angry--ambivalent.

Feeling better (Walmart did not win)

I had an evening of Wo-Pop (always puts me in a good mood) and journaling--this is part of an entry from a blog I like, and it was what I needed to be reminded of:
I had a pretty nasty, pretty typical drug addiction in my twenties. I was constantly looking backwards, constantly mourning losses I couldn't name. As a result, my journal entries have a stale air of repetition. Each speaks to change, to transition, that I hoped I would make, that I hoped would happen to me, if only for some grand, sweeping, bold catalyst. I was always looking for something bigger, more fulfilling. I was always seeking something more.
I walk to work. Most mornings I grab a cup of coffee on the corner of 46th and Ninth Avenue, then turn east towards Eighth. And most mornings, that small, tree-lined stretch of 46th between Eighth and Ninth is beautiful in some small way: the sun through the leaves, the empty playground, pigeons scattering as I pass.
This morning was no different, except in one little way. I realized that I was there. I realized that this is it. I realized that change occurs in a million tiny increments. I realized that transition occurs one footfall at a time, one step before the next. Before you know it, you're there. Before you know it, each little step has moved you forward to some new, great place. Before you know it, you've persevered.from Benjaminwagner.com
Good words.
Listening to dance music always makes me wish I could, you know, dance. One of the bloggers I read (I know, I read a lot of them) (and see, I know to write "a lot") likes to bellydance--she lives locally, so I wrote her & asked about where she takes classes. Tonight I thought again about doing that--I want to get in touch with my inner sex-goddess. I want to allure and flirt and all that fun stuff--bellydancing sounds like a pretty cool place to start. Anyone want to do it with me?

Nothing much

I do mean that. I am just stuck in a no-feeling zone. I'm not happy, not sad--although I feel possible sorrow beneath the surface. Why do I fight feeling? I'm sure my energies could be put to better use.
Changed my phone number today, so my ex can't call me. That felt empowering, which led into feeling bitchy, which led to righteous anger to keep myself from feeling like a bitch! He is, he did, he always--but he is not the point of my life. This is a shitty process, and that's all there is to it.
I got tosee a friend receive a beautiful gift of praise from someone last night, and while I was happy for her (I was!), I drove home in tears because I want so much...I rarely admit even to myself just how much. Seeing her heart & her desire displayed so openly and then to witness a tiny bit of fulfillment of it made me ache.
So what will I do this evening with how I am (not) feeling? Go to church, see friends, maybe cry and pour out my heart in worshippingOne muchlarger than I? Or go to Walmart and lose myself in the variety of stuff available for my consumption? What do you think?

Now THIS is customer service!

From: CD Baby loves Hanna Subject: Hanna - Your CD Baby Order! (#471550) Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow. A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing. Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy. We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved 'Bon Voyage!' to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, Monday, April 5th. I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as 'Customer of the Year'. We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!! Thank you once again, Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby the little CD store with the best new independent music

I guess I AM crabby

I want my mood logo icon to just sit still and not bounce--do they all bounce like that?!

I just want to be somewhere else

Or maybe be someone else--I feel anxious and crabby, like I want to shed my skin. I wish I could cry--I tried, it's not happening.
I had a lovely afternoon with a newish friend (all of them here are newish, she's just newer-ish)(that made me giggle--yay). Anyway, we talked about a situation that is causing her major angst, and then talked about my situation w/ the ex that is causing me the same. She is a wise woman, and had some interesting things to say. She wondered how I could decide if there is any change in him or any possibility for something different aside from entering in to some amount of relationship with him.
Yeah--okay. So I emailed both addresses i have for him, asking which is current. And then proceeded to have a panic attack which has lasted for a few hours. Maybe I am just not able to deal with him and all the other crap school is dredging up right now.
I read something from another blog (I read several regularly--I lovenosing about in other people's lives) that resonated: I don't believe in second chances. I believe in one chance that stretches for a lifetime. There is no do-over. There is no clean slate. There is only learning, forgiveness, and time.
That's where I am some of the time--other times, I'm here:
So the only thing left is the bed and how empty it seems. Perhaps you aren't sleeping well because of this.
But yesterday you found the solution. Last night you curled up with a pillow under your head, one between your knees (bad back), and one on either side of you. No matter which way you turned, there was something to cuddle and support you.
And if he can be replaced with synthetic fill and linens, how lonely can you really be now compared to how lonely you were with him?
both quotes from Unable to Relinquish the Crown

How nice!

Thanks for the welcome from several people whose journals I have been lurking over for a while; all of us in the Sharmyweb. Not a bad place to be.
This is the funnest song! Fatboy Slim--Weapon of Choice. That doesn't sound like a fun song, does it? I have no idea what they are saying--I just like the beat. It's probably some horrible, misogynistic thing that would make me cringe if I knew what was being said--oh, well, tra la la. I like to dance in my seat--do you do that?
Not a lot of deep thought going on, can you tell? Wednesdays are my long day--long for a person who hasn't worked full-time in 6 months, that is. 2-9:45 p.m. Not that long, I guess. Anyway--a pretty good day, except I was spaced out in class. Yes, for those who don't know, I am a Mars Hillian. "Do you like it there?" "I love it, I hate it--I am trying to inhabit the shadow-zone that encompasses faith and ambivalence"--hee. That sounds so dumb written out, but it was part of what class tonight was about. We read The Hollow Men by TS Eliot to illustrate substance abuse--ya gotta love that.
I ate yummy Thai beef for lunch; I do love good food. Oh, those brownies from yesterday? They aren't gone yet--but I made a significant dent in them. Eating is such a reliable pleasure, you know? Unlike so much else in life. Okay, time for bed. Tomorrow I am going to enjoy a day out--not sure where, we'll see. On the way home tonight, I was thinking how I should take a road trip this summer. I am from Florida, and while I have lived out West before, there is a lot I have yet to see. So--where should I go? I've never been to Vegas--but I think Reno is close enough. I love San Francisco & Portland--where else is fun?

Watch that first step--it's a doozy

So--Sharminator has been nagging a tiny bit, telling me that once I start posting I'll be addicted. We'll see.
What should I start with? I had a really nice day--a friend & I went to a coffee shop near her house and talked for many hours. Then I came home and made brownies--can't beat that. I wrote in my regular journal, then decided to take a crack at this one. I still have many words left, even after talking for hours today--amazing.
I have been thinking about a pretty big issue--trying to decide if it's appropriate to share here, on my very first entry. Well, why not--none of you know me except Sharm, and she compares me to Drew Barrymore (except for the drug rehab), so she won't be taken aback by drama. My ex-husband called me on Thursday, wanting to reconcile. It's a long story (obviously), but my gut reaction was "no". So today, my friend & I talkedabout how hard it is to listen to your heart and not settle for something that may be harmful, but feels familiar. Especially if you deep downbelieve itmay be all you'll ever have.
I am listening to a KEXP streaming archive--how fun. The "new technology" still amazes me--yes, I am older than dirt. Not really--I amat the low end of Gen X. Hmm...I just looked that up, to be sure, and apparently I am not. The low end is 1968--missed it by a few years. But I'm not a Boomer--I defy categorization, I guess.
Okay, I think that's enough for my first outing on LJ.Talk to you later--maybe.