Risk can bring great reward

Before I called my friend this morning, I was feeling peevish and lonely--I wanted her to call me. I knew my other friends here were not available today, so if I was going to be with someone, it would be her. A friend from home emailed me, and I told her how I was feeling. She replied, "Call her! It doesn't matter who initiates it--just go have fun".
Later I toldmy friendhow I'd felt (as part of a discussion about another friend who just waits for things to happen), andshe felt bad, but I told her no--that's what a victim does. Sits around waiting for people to come to her, and then moans about it when no one does. We talked about how scary it is to put yourself out there and risk and ask for something--but you know, when you do, sometimes wonderful things happen--like today. After I got home tonight, I let all the love I had received from my friends just sink in. I felt so thankful to God, and sorry that I so often believe the lie that I am all alone. I am not alone--God has given me lovely friends. I hope I remember this the next time I am feeling scared to reach out, and that I'll do it anyway, trusting that I will come away filled.

feeling so thankful...

I had such a nice birthday! I got ecards & snailmail cards & calls from family & friends near and far, "Happy Birthday" singing messages, some great presents, and today, Sharmayne took me to the zoo, dinner, and a movie--it was a wonderful day. I look back over this year and am amazed--on this day one year ago, I flew to Seattle to look into going to Mars Hill. By September 1, when I flew out here again to stay, I had quit my job, gotten my house extensively remodeled & put on the market (it sold in about 2 weeks), sold my car, packed up all my stuff, and said goodbye to all my family & friends. The only person I knew here was a girl from high school--we were not really friends, but she let me stay with her after I got here until I found an apt. Someone told me about Edmonds, so I drove my rental car over there and found an apt. within 2 days, got my stuff moved in, ended up buying my rental car (so I never had to go looking), and started school. Whew! Pretty incredible how quickly your life can change.I'm so glad to be who & where I am--I want so much more, but for right now, in this moment, I am blessed.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

I am nursing a sore throat, and let me tell you what is so yum right now--Dreyer's Light Extra Rich & Creamy Chocolate. So far today, I have had 2 ice cream sodas AND a tin roof sundae. I know some of you will wonder what that is--it's a sundae with peanuts on it, except I think it's supposed to be with vanilla i.c., which I don't like as well. So much for going sugar-free--I did it for 2 or 3 weeks, and it was not too hard, but as soon I feel a bit sick, I want comfort! I am about to read a book called Holy Hunger, about compulsive overeating--perfect reading for a day with 3 helpings of ice cream, right?
I went to visit my sick young friend today--she was much perkier, and we had a nice time. We like to watch a show called Starting Over--apparently she watches it every day, but as I have no TV, I have only seen it the 2 times I've been to her house. It gives us something to talk about as we are getting to know one another. Afterward, I stopped by Fred Meyer (to get my ice cream!), and the cashier asked, "So what did you do today?" I don't think I've ever been asked that by a store clerk. I looked at her for a minute, then said, "I visited a sick friend". She talked about her dad having been in the hospital, and for some reason, I said, "Thisgirlis dying". Her head jerked up, and she said, "Does she know the Lord?" That's a question I might not be surprised to hear in the Bible Belt, where I'm from, but I was a little surprised to have it asked here. I told her I didn't know, and she said she'd pray that God would reveal Himself to her. As will I.
I am currently reading Soul Survivor: How My Faith Survived the Church, by Philip Yancey. It's a series of essays on people who have been important to his life of faith; so far, I have read about MLK and G.K. Chesterton--it is interesting. I want to think about who I would say has influenced my Christian life. Dan Allender, for sure--his writing is why I'm at Mars Hill. C.S. Lewis, Frederick Buechner, Mother Teresa, my friend Darlene; I have so much reading to do! There are tons of people I have never read--when this young friend found out I don't watch TV, she asked, "What do you do all day?" One thing I want to do more of is read engaging books that help me live this journey more gracefully and fully.

There's no place like home, there's no place like home...

Kind of weird, this feels like home now. I went to Florida for my sister's graduation, just got back last night, and I felt like a stranger in a strange land there. After only 8 months here! I was hot the entire time (and it's only May), and I missed the mountains. I took a couple of walks, one at 8 p.m. and another at 8 a.m.--hot both times. I did enjoy people I passed saying hello--no one does that here. I got to see a gorgeous sunset, the sun a red ball of fire over the beach, and I loved being able to wear shorts all the time, feeling the warm breeze caressing my pasty white legs; but when I got home last night, and I could smell Puget Sound and the air was crisp and clean--ahhh. We'll see if this becomes my longterm home--who knows. I got a book for my bday, and the author was raised in Atlanta. He talked about some of the racist underpinnings of the South, and although I knew some of it, some things surprised me. I imagine every region has some type of sin that becomes part of that culture--but Southern racism is so longterm and deep, I wonder if it will ever be free of it. I'm glad I'm here.

read it, people.

I just finished reading such a good book--Night of the Radishes, referring toa festivalin Oaxaca, Mexico. It made me want to go there; I've only been just over the border to Mexico (from Arizona), never actually been anywhere there.
The story was of a woman who has suffered lots of grief with her family of origin, and locked it all inside. She has tried to be the perfect daughter, sister, wife, and mother, and doesn't realize how angry she is at her family members for all leaving her in various ways to carry the load alone. She goes to Mexico to try and find her long-lost brother, and undergoes a transformation.
As the review on the back cover asks, "If you were to let the accumulated grief and guilt of a lifetime slip gently away, who might you be?" What a great question--I would like to find out.

Hermitical

I am realizing something about myself; I really do like being alone. I enjoy people when I'm with them, but after a few days of socializing, I am so happy to spend a night like tonight--I did a little grocery shopping, got a movie, and came home to make a good dinner & lie in bed watching the movie. I think there is good to this, and some not-so-good. The nsg is I can envision myself turning into an inflexible, somewhat compulsive old spinster, who has her little "routines" that human contact would upset. Scary vision. But the good is, this program I am in demands lots of time to process all the emotional data, and I am taking that time. I was talking with a friend today, and she mentioned how she often feels like just going home and thinking about her problems, instead of really caring about other people's. She's in the program as well, and I said I think we have to take this time to focus on ourselves, or we will do more damage than good when we start trying to actually help people. Also, I guess I am an introvert--the definition of introvert is something like, "you are energized by being alone--being with people can drain you". All my life, that has seemed like a bad thing, that I should want to be with people a lot more. It sounds selfish to enjoy my own company--but why, if that's what it takes for me to be able to then enjoy the company of others? I know from experience, if I try to go too many days with lots of people activity and no alone time, I get tense & irritable. A friend from my home city is coming to visit this summer, and she is going to be staying with me. I sent her an email saying 5 days sounded like a good amount of time for her visit--in the past, i would not have taken care of myself by saying that, and I would have been ready for a vacation by the time she left! 5 days still may be a stretch in my small apartment--but at least I've put on the table the fact that I need alone time. So--selfish, or who I am and that's okay? I am trying to say, "that's me".

for people who don't know what they are

http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html